I'm at school, waiting around in the dark staring at my computer and then I looked up and all the trees were lit up with Christmas lights. It was very cool.
Summer break has been pretty cool, even though I haven't done anything. I'm anxious to get back to school but I know that once I'm back I'm just going to want to be off and done. It's an unfortunate lack of motivation and it is having an effect on my GPA. Makes me wonder if I'm going to be able to get into grad school.
Grad school or not, after I'm done with UCSD I'm going to take a year and teach English in Germany and Thailand. There's a three month program in Germany, teaching English 15 hours a week to a family. Thailand has a 5 or 10 month program teaching English to kids in school. Germany doesn't pay, but you get room and board. Thailand has room and board as well, but they pay $450 a month too.
I figure it will be a rewarding experience in itself and it will look good on whatever applications I'll be filling out in the distant future. I'm going to try and learn as much German as possible this year, but being there will hopefully speed up the process. It would be rad to be able to speak Thai, but it seems like it'd be hard to pull off.
What a rad and easy job it would be to be a translator. You just talk and maybe write. You could just find all the answers in a dictionary. Work at Disneyland and ride on the rides with foreigners showing them the correct way to scream their excitement.
I've always had an unfortunately strong vicissitude within me. I'd prefer to be like a building in the city, where the tenants would come and leave their things for me to play with until I was torn down and dead. Unlucky me was born a tree, when I grow new leaves in the spring I forget those that were shed in the fall and in the winter when I have no leaves at all I can't remember the fresh, green, life that was with me in the summer. But I suppose it's alright,
So, I was looking at old lj posts, and couldn't help but think that they were overwhelmingly ridiculous.
I remember what I think every time I write ridiculously like that, and it's that I don't need to write everything down, that not writing everything down will just make it somehow better. But now when I'm reading them I have no idea what the fuck I was talking about. It's stupid.
So I guess this counts for an apology.
Anyway, I came on here to share this link:
It's funny Christian weirdo shit.
Man, I almost had to just kill some bitches at barnes and nobles about an hour ago.
Some guy comes in and starts comparing, loud enough so that everyone in the cafe area could hear, the media coverage of an austrian man who kidnapped and raped his eighteen year-old daughter to the point where he had eight kids with her to the imprisonment of chinese workers for speaking out against their american corporate business owners. some people told him to shut up or whatever and they called the manager. So the guy leaves and the manager comes out and her and like two female customers go out to make him leave the property.
and so I was like fuck that, and I went out there and told them to leave him alone, and that if they didn't want to hear people's opinions then they should move to china where it's illegal. and they were like well he was weird, and I was like he's doing a good thing, he's presenting you with ideas that need to be heard. It's called democracy, leave the guy alone and go inside.
It was ridiculous, my heart was pounding like crazy and there was some dude that went out there with them and I felt that if he said something stupid I would have to get violent, but anyway, I hate stupid american fat middle aged bitches.
I've had this dillema at work, well, I don't know if it constitutes a dillema. I don't even know if I'm spelling that right. Anyway, the way in which we take reservations for cruises is as follows; 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11. The cruise is about an hour and in between we have to get the drinks and food ready and get the people on and off the boat (takes about five minutes per cruise). So basically, the problem is that if they book all that shit in a row then I don't get a fucking break. For eight fucking hours, plus the forty five minutes to prepare and put away the boat. It isn't that I can't do it, I can do it, I've done it. It's that it makes me hate my job so fucking much that I dread having to go days before I even need to think about it.
anyway, i think I'm going to tell them today that they have to schedule breaks.
Oh yeah, the dillema, it's that I don't want to make a fuss about this if it is purely personal, but then I'm like, "no, this isn't personal, people fought for centuries to get workers rights, an assertion of my rights is a validation of their efforts." but then I wonder if I'm only trying to validate my wants.
Fuck the Police!!
Vagina is latin for Sheath. or maybe greek.
Um, am I obligated to say I haven't updated in a while.
well i'm done. I was waiting for my fucking Mew c.d. to burn and it is now done.
Mew is rad!
I don't have my writing pad with me, soooo here we go. (i was writing on paper instead of here because I felt that what I wrote could have been interpreted as written for those who may or may not read it. a lot of times I write things that appear as cocky to some. I like to think that it isn't cockiness but self-knowledge, but then if that were so then I wouldn't be second guessing myslef. However, I am reassured when I reflect because I don't remember second guessing myself)
Control. I keep thinking about control and how it effects or doesn't effect my life.
I say, "how did this happen again." I realize that I didn't have control, but maybe that is the main reason that I continue to drink. I am able to see progress in self-control during inebriated periods. What happens is that I plataeu (sp?) and then I drop, down to hell. I have had a tendency to blame my behavior on those that I'm around, if I'm around Jason or Steve or dustin or Jon then I do fine. Good people good times? It's not that at all, it's me, entirely. So I reached an apparent paradox, that only now I've seemed to see through.
If I allow myself to drink then I have a degree of control in doing so, If I stop drinking then I agree that I've done so because I know that I have no control while drinking. But then if I can stop drinking then I'll have control of my life. All together then, if I stop drinking then I both lose control and gain control. I will have lost against myself. Would I have gained myself? That assumes that I was never myself during the last years of my life.
No, it's all a matter of degree. I need to come clean with myself. I need to know and not believe. I've not been the best that I could have been but I have the ability to be better, but a condition of getting better is to accept being wrong. I don't know if it's noticable but I am such a vain person it hurts me at times.
And then I think, "it was just drunk in public, stop making such a big deal of it. stop being such a drama queen."
But i know that I had no control and that is what worries me.
My life is backwards, in parts. I didn't want to drink this weekend. I did anyway, no control.
Acted a fool. This guy was talking shit like god damn. I was out of commission all day yesterday.
I have to study for this test, and I'm sitting here, typing, wasting my time.
If the democratic nation who says they do not deal with terrorists turns around and deals with terrorists then one can only find that the terrorist group that they are dealing with is not a terrorist organization at all. An argument against this is that the so called terrorist organization has come to hurt the opposing nation state so much and the people thereof that the nation state is forced to deal with the terrorist organization. This is proven to be false if one simply recalls the reason that paramilitary force was formed in the first place; because there were no other methods that would be able to get the nation that the organization represents the policy needed. Therefore the nation that the group opposes is so strong that paramilitary action is used to bring the policy to the attention of the world. How then could the opposing nation not easily put an end to such groups? Generally this is due to the fact that the paramilitary organization’s cause is so strong that enough power is drawn from the public that the organization can continue.
Uh yeah, I'm going to post a lot of bullshit like this in order to TAG it and keep better track of my writings.
I'm not going to say that i haven't updated in a while and that I need to.
I really don't have anything to say, except that in the beginning of Timothy Paul said that women aren't allowed to have any positions of power or of teaching. Yeah so that's what I'm going to be thinking about for a while. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Oh yeah, my dad said it isn't murder if you're at war. And that god is on our side. He also doesn't listen well. but it's good to have open conversations with him. Except when he tells me I'm twisting his words around. Which makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time.
Burning C.D.s takes forever. I've been trying to do homework all night for spanish. Isn't working out. Whatever spanish can suck it. I'm going to apply for credit no credit. Word to that. This song by mellincolin kicks ass!:
The last selection in the ballgame.
Does never get a pass.
"Not appreciated's" just his first name.
He's the scapegoat of the class.
There are no friends to cheer him up and
no girls, no sweet romance.
It's impossible to expand,
when you never get a second chance.
Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone?
Do you care enough to see? He's in pain and misery.
He's not going to the school-prom.
He said he had the flu.
Trumped-up excuses he told his mom.
-I'm safer here with you.
She told her son. -Someday, they'll all be
sorry for mistreating you.
Don't be afraid my son and trust me.
-You'll be someone they will look up to.
Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone?
Do you care enough to see?
He's in pain and misery... Do you care enough to see?
Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone?
Do you care enough to see? He's in pain and misery.
Yeah, it's about me. need to get my study done.
I just want to give a big fuck you to everyone. So fuck you!
Faggots. Gays. Queers. I hate you all and i know your dirty elf tricks. Suck it GIMLI! Suck it Gandalf! Suck it Frodo! you fucking assholes.
I've been nice when i should have been mean and the only thing i can think of are old descendents lyrics. mainly
think that i'm a loser 'cause my pants are really too low think that i'm a slob 'cause i got holes in my shoes think my cock is like i like my dirty shirt well you can fuck off 'cause i'm working sixty a week you think that life is really tough when your pappy won't buy you a brand new car take a girl out she won't fuck you after you just brought her a gram of coke you spent all your money on shitty coke i'm not a loser! that's right, i'm not a loser! cruise down the boulevard wasting mommy's gas while you're looking for kicks on friday night you're only goal in life is to smoke a joint and decide how you're gonna get laid tonight you are a fucking son-of-a-bitch you arrogant asshole your pants are too tight you fucking homo you suck, mr. buttfuck you don't belong here go away you fucking gay i'm not a loser!
Damnit i wish i could be closer to my family. Fucking god damn man.
Man fuck you.
I feel like I need to fight, i feel like i'm right. I know i've tried every thing you say is right but you're wrong. You suck. Fuck white trash ass sluts. Fuck yuppy stick up their ass faggots. Fuck you. god damnit.
I'm falling down man and i have nothing to lean on. Don't talk to me. I'm taking an oath of silence. one month. Like that guy that read nietzsche on little miss sunshine. That guy is my hero.
running out of time again where did you go wrong this time? when
your problems overwhelm you go get drunk it's party time take a
quaalude, relax your mind relax your body too! run from problems
but you'll never get away no one loves you, and you wonder why?
sitting there with your mouth full of beer your eyes are glazed,
your face is red who's gonna pick you up and use you for
tonight? and when you're on the streets with a needle in your
arm selling your body for another fix who's gonna pick you up
and take you home with them tonight? not me! running out of
breath again you're an old maid, but you're only 15 you're
losing your little girl's charm cry all night but you'll never
get it back don't be afraid, it's not too late save yourself, i
need you here wearing off, wearing out i can't think about this
cause it makes me sic
Early modern American history and its account of woman when compared to more modern American history and its account of woman shows that oppression comes in two forms, oppression in the political realm and oppression in the mental realm; further that neither of these forms of oppression can be defeated unless women break through conformity. First one must look at how man was successful in not allowing women to gain the American vote for 144 years. This then must be compared to how women have recently been kept from fully appreciating their womanhood and being fully able to express and use their bodies in a manner that they find personally moral. Next we must see how women broke through socio-political barriers in early modern American history in order to see how women can break through the oppressive ideals set by society today. The start of the women’s suffrage and rights movement began in Seneca Falls 1948, this was the first time that women in powerful numbers broke through the conformity set for them through society. This was the beginning of a long and hard fought battle that would push society to question its morality and ask society what it is that it valued. This was when both women and men came together to share their thoughts and ideas, to stand up for what they believed in when America laughed in their faces. This was before women stood in “Mans” place and said “we can do it” and instead said WE DEMAND IT. This was women proved their rights to humanity and rather than conforming to injustice showed the path to justice, a path long forgotten by society today.
Seneca Falls set the ideal reaction to oppression; a demand made not with the threat of violence but with the threat of withdrawal from a system that sucks the juice from an orange while robbing it of soil, sunlight and water. How far would this method take women, it may well have taken them farther than humanity itself has gone, but the experiment was laid to rest when the women’s suffrage movement instead switched their methods to working inside and with the American political system that had oppressed them for years. Women’s involvement in the progressive party, although gaining for them the right to vote, insured the further oppression of women for years upon years afterwards. When the movement decided that they would work within the system, they essentially said that the way the system was running was alright with them. Women may have thought the minor changes that they were going to apply to it would fix everything, an embarrassingly naïve fact for women to face. Even worse was the way in which they gained power in the political arena, by jumping on the prohibition wagon alongside of corporate sweatshop ringleaders and restrictive progressive party politicians. Women claimed that because of their help in the victory of prohibition because of their rallying the people through lies and dishonesty that they had earned the right to vote, that they had earned the right to be equal to men because they could use the same dishonest tactics as men. It is too bad that the right to vote can not be granted because of an understanding of why you have a human right to vote. If it was, then women would have gained suffrage in 1948 when they demanded equal rights! It was then that they had proved their humanity simply by claiming their humanity and it was the way that women gained suffrage in 1848 that proved they lost their once gained claim to humanity.
Thomas Aquinas argued that human intelligence is a gift from God, and therefore “to apply human intelligence to understand the world is not an affront to God, but is pleasing to him.”
pretty much what me and my dad were discussing today, even if he didn't know it. Of course i argued against the idea.
Fuck it all right?
School all day again. Fuck it all right?
Can't find any good music. Fuck it all right?
Well Fuck you because that is all I have to whine and bitch about. Life is good and that is slightly frightening. oh whatever i can't think of anything true anymore. except my bacck itches like a motherfucker.
Books read in the summer: Brothers Karomazov, History of Western Civilization, The Screwtape Letters, Life of Pi, Night, Middlesex, Atlas Shrugged, The Amulet of Samarkand-lol, A Farewell to Arms. Now I'm trying to read Crime and Punishment before monday, I'm on page nine. Thats what happens when your in the hospital you read instead of getting drunk.
Stevies place is cool, it's a block away from the beach and it's I.B. so there isn't hardly anyone ever there. The neighborhood is completely different than what i had thought it would be, i mean it's not ghetto. Although there are a few loud mexican kids around.
I went to the hospital thursday and talked to my doctor for like forty five minutes about drinking what happened that night and what i think about it and the future and my drinking mostly, but she was way cool and then she was talking about blood alcohol levels and i was like yeah you can drive on a point o 8 and shit and she was like yeah well a point four is like coma and a point five is death and she told me i had a point 31. sick. i started laughing and so did she. I don't know when i'm going to learn that i suck at this shit. i'm not sure how many lessons i need but sometimes you just don't learn.
My sisters at her baby shower where they play stupid games. and i'm texturing and spray painting the bathroom. lol. wrf.
School starts monday, biology, pol. sci, spanish, history, logic. I will drop two. UCSD next year. I need to pick my major. Poli sci or Philosophy. I'm not sure if they will except me with a philosophy major. I'm going to join the student body. who cares right. well i guess i failed on the city council thing but i couldn't really get signatures while resting in bed. and plus in my defense fuck you.
okay i'm sorry.
I don't want to drive back down there and then i'll have to drive back. okay okay okay
...life keeps rolling on but i have a feeling that im going to get runover pretty soon.
that is weird
Well, I'm out of the hospital- four days ago- and I've been staying at my Grandma's house because she was kind enough to take me in. I can't go out and do anything partly because I just learned how to walk without crutches yesterday and partly because my going out would be a definate stressor on my Grandma. So I am sitting here on her computer drinking some rather elegant tea from England and feel as one does when ones skull is about to explode. A taste of something much stronger than tea would do me very well right now, at least thats what i'm inclined to think but reason tells me otherwise. I'm fucking pissed off but i can't put a point on the cause of my anger and maybe that means i have no reason to be upset at all.
Anyways, I've just been doing a lot of reading and sleeping, as a matter of fact that's all that i've been doing lately and i feel like if i could that is all that I would do for the rest of my life.
last friday night i got drunk and got in a fight that i don't remember and dan got a black eye and a broken nose, so anyways jason was going to drop me and dan off so he dropped dan off and then he told me to get the fuck out of his car so i was like shit. so i couldn't go into dans so i went to sleep in some ivy. a couple hours later this dumb ass paperboy rolls right ontop off me in his truck and his muffler burnt the shit out of my back and he got out and was like what the fuck because i was screaming like get the fuck off of me you retard. anyways so he finally got off of me and then the 911 crew came and i told them i didn't want to go to the hospital. i guess i threw some punches at them and at the cop, i don't remember doing that i think they're lying, but that's what they told my cousin and they said they didn't arrest me because my cousin is a fire fighter. so anyways i had to go to the hospital and they scraped my skin everyday until they put some dead persons donor skin on my back with staples. And then either on monday or wednsday theyre going to scrape a large amount of skin off of my leg and put it on my back. so then i can have another burn on my fucking leg. so i don't know when the fuck i'm getting out of here, but thank god for my sister because none of my friends have came to visit me except for the prossers and jennie and dan and richard. and john youlla and cory huddleson showed up out of nowhere it was pretty cool to see them. anyways and i have to pick my fucking classes for school. but at least i don't have to deal with the heat like a lot of you out in santee. but it's cometimes cool because i get to steal coffee from the cafetaria.
So i'm going to be running for City Council Member or whatever you call it. All that i have to do is get twenty registered voters to endorse me (sign a paper). then i can get my name on the ballot. It will say Joe Virgilio. pretty cool. I was looking at old voting records and i'm going to need about 6000 votes. There are three open slots. So far there are six other candidates. three of them haven't returned their papers yet. I need seventeen more signatures. If i get it it's a four year term and i get twelve hundred a month. I really hope i win. vote for me.
I don't know about you guys but, i'm thinking it's about nearly the end of the world.
Things have been oh so hectic around my shit lately. Anyways, I might have to move. Debbies moving to florida or something like that in september. so is jon. It's going to be gay and i'm going to miss them.
Su-preme people living with they backs aligned
Up against the wall cause these days are asinine
Living in a money matrix, How cats survive
Some will fade away and wither, others will blast a 9
Kings and Queens working 9 to 5's
And making nothing searching for a deeper purpose in life
This CAN"T be life...
? can't be right...
Without no money in my pockets I just can't see right
I used to try to preach to younguns like, "Do right kids"
Now-a-days all that I can say is, "Get it how you live"
Live how you get it, shit!
Don't nobody wanna get...
A promotion up to fry cook like little Calvin did
Some would rather take a gamble, hey they might to bids
The allure of fast money in this hell-bound system
Got you look at two-hundred bucks a week
Versus, like a thousand in a day
Tell me what makes more sense to these...
Trapped like rats in mazes for the cheese
Every natural resource is here, We don't really need money
But certain people need power over people
They act like that cause they're trapped inside their EGO-sphere
And now you can't feel free
Without material possesions, you can't just be (Be: echo)
And without 'em you're left stressin, so anxiously (Be: anxiously)
So you grab the Smith & Wesson, then aim, then squeeze (Squeeze: echo)
To get what's comin' to ya
The block's so hot, it blew the top off the thermometer
The rush for drama is more appealing than a plane light
Cause life is insane, so insanity is a sane light
It's so easy to see, simple as day and night
SU-preme people born out of the way of the light
In the darkness, trying to fly straight
To some folks it's like being a fish swimming with sharks... shit!
[Perhaphs not since men turned their ears the preachings of a mere prophet
2000 years ago have the words of humble men reached so many with such force
? Perhaps because it has been burning for long, now smoldering
Now bursting into hot flames, now hastily covered over to smolder again
Until the next outbreak.]
SU-preme people only want the best and uhh
SU-preme people won't settle for less then uhh
Straight from royalty put inside projects and uhh
Capitalist system that don't make sense to ya
SU-preme people put against the fence, Get up!
? hostile if you aint fixing the...
Problem you created that make these condition up
A little reparation for your acts are sent to us
SU-prome ride to die to get the bucks
? by any means so, uhh, lock your benzes up
Tuck your chain and watch and keep your defenses up
All they wanna do is live it up like ?
By Howard Zinn
July 3, 2005
We would do well to renounce nationalism and all its symbols on Independence Day -- its flags, its pledges of allegiance, its anthems, its insistence in song that God must single out America to be blessed.
Is not nationalism -- that devotion to a flag, an anthem, a boundary so fierce it engenders mass murder -- one of the great evils of our time, along with racism, along with religious hatred?
These ways of thinking -- cultivated, nurtured, indoctrinated from childhood on -- have been useful to those in power and deadly for those out of power. National spirit can be benign in a country that is small and lacking both in military power and a hunger for expansion (Switzerland, Norway, Costa Rica and many more). But in a nation like ours -- huge, possessing thousands of weapons of mass destruction -- what might have been harmless pride becomes an arrogant nationalism dangerous to others and to ourselves.
Our citizenry has been brought up to see our nation as different from others, an exception in the world, uniquely moral, expanding into other lands in order to bring civilization, liberty, democracy.
That self-deception started early.
When the first English settlers moved into Indian land in Massachusetts and were resisted, the violence escalated into war with the Pequot Indians. The killing of Indians was seen as approved by God, the taking of land as commanded by the Bible. The Puritans cited one of the Psalms, which says: "Ask of me, and I shall give thee, the heathen for thine inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the Earth for thy possession" (Psalm 2:8). When the English set fire to a Pequot village and massacred men, women and children, the Puritan theologian Cotton Mather said: "It was supposed that no less than 600 Pequot souls were brought down to hell that day."
On the eve of the Mexican War, an American journalist declared it our "Manifest Destiny to overspread the continent allotted by Providence." After the invasion of Mexico began, The New York Herald announced: "We believe it is a part of our destiny to civilize that beautiful country."
It was always supposedly for benign purposes that our country went to war.
We invaded Cuba in 1898 to liberate the Cubans and went to war in the Philippines shortly after, as President William McKinley put it, "to civilize and Christianize" the Filipinos.
As our armies were committing massacres in the Philippines (at least 600,000 Filipinos died in a few years of conflict), Elihu Root, our secretary of war, was saying: "The American soldier is different from all other soldiers of all other countries since the war began. He is the advance guard of liberty and justice, of law and order and of peace and happiness."
We see in Iraq that our soldiers are no different. They have, perhaps against their better nature, killed thousands of Iraqi civilians. And some soldiers have shown themselves capable of brutality, of torture.
Yet they are victims, too, of our government's lies.
How many times have we heard President Bush and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld tell the troops that if they die, if they return without arms or legs, or are blinded, it is for "liberty," for "democracy"? One of the effects of nationalist thinking is a loss of a sense of proportion. The killing of 2,300 people at Pearl Harbor becomes the justification for killing 240,000 in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The killing of 3,000 people on Sept. 11 becomes the justification for killing tens of thousands of people in Afghanistan and Iraq.
And nationalism is given a special virulence when it is said to be blessed by Providence. Today we have a president, invading two countries in four years, who announced on the campaign trail last year that God speaks through him.
We need to refute the idea that our nation is different from, morally superior to, the other imperial powers of world history.
We need to assert our allegiance to the human race and not to any one nation.
Howard Zinn is the author of "A People's History of the United States."